It’s 9:45pm in Denver, my laundry is going, I need to pack my suitcase, I have to wake up at 4am, but I also just have too much on my mind to not write it all out.

I feel just a little bit high on life in this very moment.

 I am getting ready to come back from Denver where I had my routine 6-month appointment with my oncologist/endocrinologist. First off, I have the best team of doctors a girl could ever hope for, and believe me when I say I fought hard for them, as anyone should when their health is on the line. 

This coming March it will be 4 years since my surgeries and treatments to remove the cancer from my body. Every 6-month checkup brings about a lot of fear and emotion that continue to take me by surprise. However, the past few months were worse than I had ever experienced. I started having extremely vivid nightmares about my cancer coming back. I would wake up crying, sweating, and sometimes even screaming. It felt real. Not only that but I kept meeting people who would say “I’ve been following your journey and connect with it so well because I also had a similar cancer story, however mine came back recently.” THIS. I mean….. I was losing it on the inside. I remember thinking “Is this a sign that I need to pay closer attention to my health?” “Could my cancer really be back?” Simultaneously, I had caught some type of cold with flu-like symptoms and I had a cough that lasted for weeks. Coincidentally, I had a cough for months before I was diagnosed with cancer in 2015. This cough likely caused some PTSD, as anytime I cough there is a little piece of me that starts to panic. 

So, for about 45 - 60 days prior to this trip to see my doctors, I was focusing my energy on surrendering to the fear. To listening to it, being grateful for it, but then letting it go. The fear that feels SO REAL, and makes me go through worse case scenarios like “What would happen if it was back?” “What would the course of treatment be?” “Who would be by my side?” “How could I possibly go through this again?” “What would happen to my business?” and on and on and on. You get the point. I have never journaled so much as I have the past few months. Some days I spent hours writing. Writing, processing, surrendering, meditating, and repeating. 

The fears, the emotions, the trauma – it’s a very interesting thing.

However, all while the above was going on – I was also growing, learning, and accomplishing more in my life than ever before. I was living what I would call my best life by doing what I love every single day. Working with incredible clients, opening a restaurant, getting to work alongside my sister, building a team of amazing individuals to carry out the dream and vision of Plant, spending more time than ever before with friends who light me up, getting hired for speaking engagements, making time for myself, living spontaneously, focusing on having fun – and seriously SO much more. I mean truly, the past 6 months may have been the “busiest” I have ever experienced, but they have also been the most fun, joy filled, and relaxing. The more time I make time for joy, the more I accomplish. Funny how that works, right? 

So, with all of this good that was happening, maybe I was scared that it was too good to be true. Or, maybe I am just pre-conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop, considering my history. Or, maybe I was terrified that I was going to reach all of my goals and continue on this upward trajectory and was subconsciously looking for something to take me down. Because what happens if everything I have been working towards actually happens? Then what? Or, maybe I was questioning whether I was actually worthy of all of this or not.

I have my own perspectives, but I give you all of the examples above so that hopefully you can relate to this and become aware of an area of your life where you might be letting self-doubt, fear, or self-limitations control you. We’re only human, and sometimes we are afraid of success even more so than failure - think about it.

Now, I sit here and reflect. Another clean scan, another 6 months past. I am heading home tomorrow to continue chasing my dreams and living my life with joy as the end goal. 

This week we get to celebrate our 6-month anniversary of Plant, which is truly mind blowing to me. Something that once felt far-fetched and entirely impossible is now a living, breathing, life-giving operation that is better than I could have ever expected. The truth is that Plant would not exist if it weren’t for the years I spent fighting for my health.  

I have always said that cancer saved my life, but what I didn’t realize is that it was going to continue to save my life. This may seem like a foreign concept, but I feel it to my core. The moment I was diagnosed with cancer I woke up. I woke up to what life was really all about. I gave up negative self-talk in an instant. The things that used to stress me out vanished. The things I was scared of didn’t matter anymore. Life shifted in a way I cannot explain. But now, it continues to mold me into the person I am becoming. There isn’t one thing in my life that my history doesn’t affect, but I believe it does so in the best way. Living cancer-free is my choice. It’s an attitude, a mind-set, a way a of life. It’s the way of life that I commit to each and every morning.

I share this story with the hopes that someone who needs to hear it, will. 

Thanks for reading, friends! Can’t wait to see you soon : )

 Xo

Emma